I have just installed a Kundalini app on my phone. I have been practicing the Self-Love Yoga Set for around a week now. And you know what?
Loving yourself is hard.
In this type of yoga, you have to raise your arms for several minutes. Experiences vary, but in my first two minutes, my mind would typically tell me to stop. This is too hard. You cannot do it. Give up. Later on, it gives me flashbacks of people I loathed. That person is greedy and a hypocrite. Why are you not doing anything? Then it reminds me of the stupid mistakes I did. You did what? You almost had her. You will never change. Please die.
But as I progress, the voice in me begins to change. You can do it. But next time, do warm up firsts. Only few minutes more. Sooner, more voices call for positive changes. He said that to YOU? Forget it. You are better than him. Let her go. Not worth your time. You will find someone better.
And it goes on and on until the final stretch. I also enjoy small pockets of silence. And they are the most pleasurable.
Can a person fall back into his vices if he is at peace with himself? I am still far from being "enlightened" so to speak. I still get mad at others and at myself. Even though I am no longer watching pornography, the images come back to me when I find myself sleeping late at night.
So how do I blank them out? I cannot, at least not yet. With awareness and meditation, I come back little by little to my joyful self and get back to sleep. But sometimes, I still end up jacking with those images in my mind. So what to do then? Well, I forgive myself. And go back to meditating.
Learn from the past but do not dwell in them. When you forgive yourself, growth comes naturally. And you would no longer need crutches like porn to get by.